Die small talks, die!

 I’m really bad at socialising. I can’t really get over the “natural” human interaction. You see… People do small talks, and to be fair, so do I, but I do small talks only with people I already like quite a bit.

When I meet a new person, I don’t know what to say. I do know what I’d love to ask about them. Their favourite colour, favourite book, a story, movie, game… What do they like? What do they dislike? How are they feeling? Are they having a bad day? A good day? What’s going on in their life… I want to know it all, right away. But… That’s inappropriate, or so they say.

I’ve been told before I make people feel like they are being questioned. Please, understand, I’m not having a list of questions that I go through one by one. I do tend to ask things as the conversation goes, but I do ask questions. I do want to know about them. People doesn’t really seem to be used to that. I don’t know if people just aren’t used to being cared about, or they don’t like to be cared about by me specifically, but this thing I do tends to drive them away.

I can’t stand the alternative though. I can’t talk freely about random things with people I don’t know. I guess it’s a defence mechanism of some kind. I need to trust them before I can be “chill” with them, and to trust them I have to understand them…

Everyone else seems to have that the other way around. They can talk about weather just fine, but they can’t talk about how they truly are doing, what they are truly feeling, what they wish for… What are their true thoughts about a, b or c? I don’t know and they will not tell me until I’ve proven I can talk about weather just right…

In the end, no matter the conversation, online, offline… I end up lying them and myself.  Try to be someone else, someone I’m not. I do not lie in my answers to them, no, just, I send emoticons even if I don’t feel them. I talk about subjects I don’t care about. I do that to be more… Heh… Human, I suppose. To make small talks, even though I don’t care about the person at all, because I don’t know them at all. To hide how boring and empty I appear to most people. Well, maybe that’s not just appearance, maybe that’s just reality.

What should I do? Should I keep lying? Acting as someone I’m not, do people talk to me? No, of course not… But I cannot just be myself either, can I? Well, I can, but it seems I’ll have to be alone to do that… So… I should change myself I suppose, right? Change into what? How? What should I change about me so I can start loving small talk? How can I make myself be fine with not understanding people?

Just so you know, those aren’t rhetorical questions, tell me, I’m listening.

*he smiles*

Well, that was enough self-pity for one article. See you next time…