Let's just cry a little...

There was a time when I couldn’t stop pain. I wasn’t particularly tough child. I cried when I got sad. I screamed when I got injured. But such behaviour wasn’t desirable of me… Men aren’t supposed to cry, I’ve been told. I have no reason to be sad, I’ve been told. If I wouldn’t stop, I would get a real reason to cry, I’ve been told…

 

“Crying silently. I mean children cry because they want attention. 'Cause they're hurt or afraid. When they cry silently it's 'cause they just can't stop.”

 

But crying was a weakness, I’ve been told. So, I stopped crying. I hardened myself, learned to keep all my emotions on the inside. Perhaps people who’ve been telling me all those things about crying did not mean for that to happen, but that was the result. If I was not allowed to show emotions, then I had to hide them. But I did feel them. Unable to deal with them, I just kept pushing them away. But I did feel them… They seem to be gone now…

 

What is it like when you cry? The whole world falling apart around you. Tears appearing in your eyes and you can’t help but cry. I…

 

*he breaths out heavily*

 

I cannot cry anymore… Sure, if some particularly sad movie comes up, I might shed a tear or two. But I can’t cry for myself. I cannot really remember what it’s like. I feel I should. There’s so much hurt inside of me. I feel the pain, well, I feel numbness inside of me. Black hole blocking the real pain from escaping. I can feel even my body shaking sometimes. I should cry, I know it. But I don’t.

 

Defence mechanism. My mind created this so I could survive. Study, get a job, keep going to work. It’s been years since I’ve honestly cried for myself, or felt real pain, instead of this dullness. That helped me to survive. But that isn’t right, or healthy…

 

I love music… I feel it’s the most emotional art. Though I understand the appeal of paintings or sculptures, they need more effort to be felt. As much as I love movies, books or video games, their stories, though often emotional, are long and rely on so much things for connection. Songs however are made from just two parts, at least to me. Melody and lyrics. So simple, so short, yet so powerful… Songs used to make me cry. But that is gone as well.

 

This numbness grew into every part of my mind. I never had much things to enjoy in life, but now I don’t feel them neither. Both pain and joy are far away. Locked somewhere inside of me, and I haven’t got a single clue as to how to get them back. Once I thought that over time I’ll just explode. That I’ll supress so much of my feelings that I’ll break down. But that did not happen, not for real. I’m wondering now, if there’s any limit to this. Will I explode one day? Or will I die like this. Empty…